Week 5: Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage

Strong Friendship, Strong Marriage

One of the reflection questions from the lesson this week asks “What does Gottman mean by friendship, and exactly why is friendship so important in marriage?” According to Gottman, friendship means “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company these couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg.21)

As I considered the relationship my husband and I have, which I would label loving, supportive, and satisfying, I have to admit, I haven’t always seen it as the friendship that Gottman describes here. I have not always enjoyed my husband’s company. As a matter of fact, when we are at odds with each other, I don’t really want to be around him. There have been many times in our relationship where I haven’t liked him, and vice versa. I don’t know of many marriages where the partners can say they always like each other.

The one thing that I know has always been there in our marriage is that deep, abiding regard for each other, a regard that I think is distinctly different than any other relationship in our lives. In my opinion, this abiding regard, or friendship, is what carries a marriage relationship through the ebbs and flows that accompany it. It is the thing that allows us to look beyond the weaknesses and shortcomings, the selective memory loss, the physical changes that come with age and childbearing, and all the other I’m-only-human traits we carry. 

One of my shortcomings is that I can be very critical of people. My husband tells me it is a family trait on my side. As I was reading Gottman’s explanation about the difference between complaints and criticism, and how criticism lead to contempt, it hit very close to home. This has been one of the struggles of our relationship. However, we have progressed to a point where he can easily call me out on my critical attitude and help me back off. He is quick to let me know when I’m riding the line between being helpful or hurtful. I haven’t perfected it yet, but I am learning to think before I speak, and consider the consequences of my words.

I think one of the reasons why a friendship is such an important to a successful marriage relationship is because it is instrumental in helping us get past ourselves and becoming a “we” instead of a “you vs. me” relationship. In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Goddard talks about changing the questions we ask in our relationships. One of those questions is “Can I get God to help me get beyond myself in order to understand my spouse?” (pg. 25) I think the answer to this question is charity. When we are charitable, we put the needs of others before ourselves. We let go of pride, allowing humility to help us become selfless, rather than selfish. In the words of Paul to the Corinthians –

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

I’m going to set a goal for myself this week, and ask the Lords assistance in achieving it. For the next week, I am going to do my best to cut out the criticism. Complaints will be fine, as long as they are not couched in sarcasm and contempt. I will watch my tone, so that I am not putting others immediately on the defensive, and see what the results are. I’m going to focus towards my family, as they are the ones who feel the brunt of it. I look forward to seeing how things change by simply changing my approach.