Week 6: Cherishing Your Spouse

Sacrifice for A Stronger Marriage

What sacrifices have I made for our marriage, and how has that sacrifice impacted your marriage? When I considered this question, the first thing that came to mind was moving across the country from Utah to Ohio. We made this move 4 weeks into our marriage. While it put us closer to his mother and siblings, it took me thousands of miles away from mine. It also meant I would be giving up on finishing my college education for the time being. 

The move was made in order to take advantage of an opportunity for better employment, so it may seem like this wouldn’t be that great of a sacrifice. It was, though. When we got to Ohio, my husband was the only person I knew, and there was pregnancy, culture shock, and climate shock to add to my discomfort. Being somewhat isolated from family was actually a great blessing to our marriage relationship because it allowed us to get to know each other better, learn to rely on each other, and learn to solve problems without interference from family. We learned to reach out to members of the ward and branch we have lived in for support and friendship. We have been blessed with a much larger “family” by being separated from the families we grew up in. We were also able to establish routines and traditions that worked for us that weren’t necessarily the same as what we grew up with.

Another major impact this sacrifice has had on our marriage is that we were able to fulfill our roles as parents in the way we wanted. We both felt it was important that I be able to stay home with our children, and this sacrifice made that possible. When circumstances made it necessary for me to bring in income, I was able to do it on a part-time basis, and only for as long as needed. 

I feel that the struggles we faced together early in our marriage created the foundation that has supported our marriage through the bumps and hurdles we face in the years since. After reading the Gottman chapters, I can definitely see where our marriage can be strengthened by updating our love map. I, myself, also have a lot of room for improvement on the “fondness and admiration” front. 

I tend to be critical and negative, rather than emphasizing the positive in others, especially my husband. Criticism lead to contempt. I know this. According to Gottman, though, the antidote to contempt is fondness and admiration.(pg 71) I enjoyed going through the exercises on building fondness and admiration, and we had decided to continue to do them. 

Thanks to the foundation that was built early on, it’s making improvements, not repairs. 

One final thing. I want to share a something from Goddard that really hit hard this week. 

 "Adam and Ever were to offer God their very best, the 'firstlings of their flocks.' I wonder what the firstlings of our flocks are. Is it our cherished free time that we must put upon the alter? Is it our love for sports, games, reading, shopping, clothes, or money that must be sacrificed?" (pg. 32)

Resources:

Goddard, H.Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Meridian Publishing

Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books