Week 12: Transistions in Marriage Power Relations and Children

I feel the articles we were given to read this week can really bless the lives of families everywhere. I especially enjoyed the chapter from Elder Ballards “Counseling with your Councils” and Elder Eyring’s talk on unity. I think they go hand in hand with each other. I believe family or couple councils bring greater unity to a family because they allow all members of the family to have a voice and feel like they are an important contributor to what goes on in the family.

I’ve see this happening with our own family in the last few weeks. One of the commitments that my husband and I have made, as part of a self-reliance class we are taking, is having a regular, weekly family council. As we have done this consistently over the past 9-10 weeks, we have seen a change in the unity of our family. In the past, family councils have been few and far between. Now that we are seeing how our family is blessed by having them, we will make them a priority for the future.

I found a few principles from Elder Ballard that I think are definitely something that we can apply in our family council. First, making sure we are expressing our feelings of love and concern to each other. I think this one simple thing will be helpful in creating the best atmosphere to hold a family council with. I think it goes right along with praying to have the Spirit in attendance. We always start with a prayer, but not the expressions of love. 

I also think that something Elder Eyring said applies to this as well. He says, “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne.11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.” (“That We May Be One”, Ensign, May 1998) Perhaps when we find that we have feelings of contention in our family council, it might be best to end that council, and try again later when we can all have the Spirit with us. 

Something else that really stood out to me from Elder Ballard, was the fact that in the Quorum of the Twelve council meetings, no decisions were made unless everyone was in agreement. Everyone is given a voice on the matter, but nothing is finalized until all are in complete agreement. In a family, I think there are times when parents need to make decisions without the children’s input. However, I feel that whenever it is appropriate, this is a good way to proceed, even in family council. Doing so will really help every member of the family feel important and valuable, and unity will grow.

While we have become much better at having family councils, we have a lot of room to grow. I am grateful I now have these recourses to pull from to help us improve our councils and increase our family unity.

One last little bit...this is mostly a reminder for me as a parent of a son who is about to get married and start his own family life. These quotes from President Spencer W. Kimball are directed towards those tho are newly married, but the speak a reminder to me as well, concerning my roll in the life they are going to be starting together.

 

“Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, ad their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.”

                                                                         (Spence W. Kimball, march 197 ensign, pp. 4,5)

“Well-meaning relative have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life”

                                                                       (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17)

Week 11: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

The first thing that stood out to me from this week’s reading is that “it is okay as Latter Day Saints to ask … questions and seek meaningful answers” about sexual intimacy in marriage. This is something I wish I had understood when I was first married. What really stood out to me was this quote from Sean Brotherson’s article “Fulfulling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”:

“I well remember a long conversation with my mother and my aunt about these questions one evening as I had been reading a book on intimacy in marriage, and I'd asked what that experience was really supposed to be like. My mother laughed and said that sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. I still think that's about the best answer I've ever heard on that question.”

I really think we spend so much effort in teaching our children the importance of being chaste before marriage that we often neglect to teach them what is right and good about physical intimacy in the marriage relationship. I never had this kind of conversation with my mother or father. I learned these things for myself after I was married, but I think it would have been nice to have been taught this and to look forward to this, rather than to just know that “what we have taught you was a sin for so long is now permissible.”

The other thing that really stood out to me was from Brother Barlow. In regard to men appreciating affection he says “these expressions of affection are … to the husband what words of appreciation and kind deeds are to the wife. A wife who rejects them tells her husband she doesn’t really care about him. On the other hand, when she stops for a quick hug or even better, initiates the affectionate action herself, she deepens the love between her and her husband.”

The reason this stood out to me is because of a moment between my husband and I just the other evening. We were both occupied with our electronic devices, and I had reached out and simply laid my hand on his leg and rubbed it for a bit. His looked at me with a bit of surprise and said, “That felt good. You don’t do that very often.” I haven’t really considered lately how important it is for me to initiate these simple and small acts of affection towards my husband, and just how they make him feel when I do.

It comes to mind that one of the ways we can teach our children about the enjoyment we can gain from the physical side of marriage is to openly show affection for our spouses in appropriate ways. A hug, a quick kiss, or holding hands is something that I think our children need to see us doing. I think it can open up the lines of communication that will lead to deeper conversations later, like the one Brother Brotherson shared, that will help them gain an understanding of sexual intimacy in marriage that follows what the Lord would teach, rather than what the world will teach.

Week 9: Managing Conflict

Gottman says that 69% of marriage problems are perpetual. I believe that, for most partnerships, this is true. Gottman gives us his reasoning for this in chapter 2 of his book. He states, “…most marital arguments cannot be resolved…This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality or values.” (see pg. 28)

I have seen this in my own marriage of 25 years. We both came from LDS families, and were raised in the Church. However, our upbringings were very different. His father died when he was little, and his mother raised their five children on her own. I was raised in a home with both parents. I was raised in a much stricter home than my husband was, and this has caused some of the difficulties in our marriage, especially when it came to ideas disciplining children, our attitudes toward money, and even how we live the gospel.

These are things that are ingrained in us since childhood, and they are very hard to change. For example, how we observe the Sabbath was something a little different for each of us. His mother allowed activities that my parents would never allow, like riding bikes, or playing ball outside. We have come to an agreement on how we wanted our children to observe the Sabbath, and part of that was that I had to relax a little bit on my side. He willingly made changes, too. Still to this day, though, I will find myself getting concerned over something that he might do with our children that my parents would not allow. Those kinds of things are not easy to let go of.

I married my husband because of his wonderful personality. What I didn’t know until after we were married that his easy-going attitude came with some annoying time management issues. I have always been more schedule oriented, and stuck to time. If I say we are going to leave at 1:30, that is what I mean…or what I meant, once upon a time. Over the years, I have relaxed a bit. I have learned that this is a part of him that will never change, no matter how much I want it to. We have learned to adjust to each other’s perspective on time. Early on in our marriage, I would get very upset with him when he didn’t stick to what he said when it came to time and scheduling. I would feel like I wasn’t a priority for him, and that I couldn’t trust what he said. I have learned that this is not true. I have learned not to take his skewed sense of time personally. I know to add time to whatever he tells me, and plan accordingly. I have learned that if a schedule is important, that I make it clear to him, and give reminders as necessary. He has learned to do little things, like call me and let me know why he might not be able to stick to what he originally told me.

I guess that maybe I somewhat agree with what Gottman says. Yes, there are going to be issues that never go away in our marriage, but I don’t know that they can never be solved. The time management issue was huge when we were first married, but I’m not sure I would even label it a problem anymore. Yes, I will still get annoyed at times, but that’s it. I get annoyed, and then get over it. He is who he is, I am who I am. I chose to be with him then, and I won’t let go of him now.