Week 9: Managing Conflict

Gottman says that 69% of marriage problems are perpetual. I believe that, for most partnerships, this is true. Gottman gives us his reasoning for this in chapter 2 of his book. He states, “…most marital arguments cannot be resolved…This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality or values.” (see pg. 28)

I have seen this in my own marriage of 25 years. We both came from LDS families, and were raised in the Church. However, our upbringings were very different. His father died when he was little, and his mother raised their five children on her own. I was raised in a home with both parents. I was raised in a much stricter home than my husband was, and this has caused some of the difficulties in our marriage, especially when it came to ideas disciplining children, our attitudes toward money, and even how we live the gospel.

These are things that are ingrained in us since childhood, and they are very hard to change. For example, how we observe the Sabbath was something a little different for each of us. His mother allowed activities that my parents would never allow, like riding bikes, or playing ball outside. We have come to an agreement on how we wanted our children to observe the Sabbath, and part of that was that I had to relax a little bit on my side. He willingly made changes, too. Still to this day, though, I will find myself getting concerned over something that he might do with our children that my parents would not allow. Those kinds of things are not easy to let go of.

I married my husband because of his wonderful personality. What I didn’t know until after we were married that his easy-going attitude came with some annoying time management issues. I have always been more schedule oriented, and stuck to time. If I say we are going to leave at 1:30, that is what I mean…or what I meant, once upon a time. Over the years, I have relaxed a bit. I have learned that this is a part of him that will never change, no matter how much I want it to. We have learned to adjust to each other’s perspective on time. Early on in our marriage, I would get very upset with him when he didn’t stick to what he said when it came to time and scheduling. I would feel like I wasn’t a priority for him, and that I couldn’t trust what he said. I have learned that this is not true. I have learned not to take his skewed sense of time personally. I know to add time to whatever he tells me, and plan accordingly. I have learned that if a schedule is important, that I make it clear to him, and give reminders as necessary. He has learned to do little things, like call me and let me know why he might not be able to stick to what he originally told me.

I guess that maybe I somewhat agree with what Gottman says. Yes, there are going to be issues that never go away in our marriage, but I don’t know that they can never be solved. The time management issue was huge when we were first married, but I’m not sure I would even label it a problem anymore. Yes, I will still get annoyed at times, but that’s it. I get annoyed, and then get over it. He is who he is, I am who I am. I chose to be with him then, and I won’t let go of him now.