Week 8: Beware of Pride!

Here are some of the quoted from President Benson’s talk “Beware of Pride” (Ensign, May 1989, 4-7) that made me think about myself and my own prideful ways.

“Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)”

“Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled. (See Alma 38:12; 3 Ne. 12:30.)”

“In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)”

“The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not…If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.”

“Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. (See Alma 12:10–11.) The proud are not easily taught. (See 1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.”

“God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16.) Let us choose to be humble.”

Something that kept coming up repeatedly was the word “competitive” or variation of that word. I tend to be very competitive. I do look at others and put myself up against them in comparison. I can see that I need to let go of this trait, and strive for humility. In reality, the only person I should be comparing myself to is myself. I can see where my competitiveness, especially the need to be right, is detrimental to my relationship with my family. The question is, how do I do that? What steps do I need to make to turn that pride to humility?

One other thing I want to share is something a classmate put in her Discussion Board post. I want include it so I can have it after the class is over. It really stood out to me. She said:

Most of us have heard of the triangle of marriage, God being at the top angle, and the spouses at the bottom two angles. President Benson's talk and Gottman's principle: "Let Your Partner Influence You," together explain beautifully why this is such an important principle. When we turn toward God and our partner we draw closer together and closer to God. While, turning away from our partner is also in essence turning away from God. (Kami Kerby)

I think the reason this left such a great impression on me was that it reminded me that my covenant marriage is as much with the Lord as it is with my husband. If I can simply keep this in mind, it will help me lose my competitive nature. We are all on the same side, with the same goal. I need to remember that my husband, as well as my Heavenly Father, wants the best for me. I can let go of my pride, and still win. As a matter of fact, if I can't let go of my pride, I won't have any part in winning. I will lose out completely in the most important thing in my life.

Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

As I read Arta Romney Ballif’s Lamentation, I was filled with sadness. Sadness for Eve as a mother, sadness for Adam as a father, and even a little sadness for Cain. The poem brought me to tears. It made me consider, for the first time, what the murder of Abel must have been like for Eve. It made me think of my own son who has chosen not to live the gospel he has been taught since birth. It made me think of my own mother who love me through all the choices that I made that I know disappointed her. In all of the times I’ve read the scriptures about Adam and Eve, and Cain and Abel, I’ve never really considered how Cain’s actions must have affected his parents. The focus has always been on the difference between Cain and Abel, and how Cain was rebellious from the beginning. I’ve never actually thought about the family relationship and how it suffered.

I think part of the reason the poem made me so emotional was because I could relate to the feeling of knowing there is nothing I can do for my child who has done something wrong. Even though I love that child, I cannot take away the consequences of the choice that was made. That is one of the hardest things about being a parent – watching your children suffer the consequences of their mistakes. Even when they make terrible mistakes, the love for a child does not go away. I think that was something that the poem brought out very clearly. Cain may have become hard-hearted and beyond feeling, but his mother was not, which added to her suffering. It also brings to mind how hard it has to be for our Father in Heaven to have to leave us to deal with the consequences of our actions, knowing that it is what is best for us.

In marriage and family life, we are going to be faced with trials we can’t plan for. Because of agency, others may make choices that bring us sorrow. None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. Perhaps not to the degree Cain did, but we all do things that we may need to be forgiven of. I think having an understanding of the Plan of Salvation, and of the Atonement, we have a better perspective that helps us get through the trials the bring suffering. Not that those trials will be any less difficult, simply that we can face them with a different kind of strength because we understand the bigger picture. Elder Hafen put it best when he said, “…because they accepted the Atonement of Christ, Adam and Eve…could…grow from their experience without suffering irreparable damage.” (Covenant Hearts, pg. 70) I am so grateful that the same blessing applies to each of us.

I want to include the Poem because it touched me so deeply. I hope you enjoy it. (Taken from Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts, pg. 67)

Lamentation
by Arta Romney Ballif

And God said, “BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY –“
Multiply, multiply – echoes multiply

God said, “I WILL GREATLY MULTIPLY THEY SORROW – “
Thy sorrow, sorrow, sorrow –

I have gotten a man from the Lord
I have traded the fruit of the garden for fruit of my body
For a laughing bundle of humanity.

And now another one who looks like Adam
We shall call this one, “Abel.”
It is a lovely name“Abel.”

Cain, Abel, the world is yours.
God set the sun in the heaven to light your days
To warm the flocks, to kernel the grain
He illuminated your nights with stars

He made the trees and the fruit thereof yielding seed
He made every living thing, the wheat, the sheep, the cattle
For your enjoyment
And, behold, it is very good.

Adam? Adam
Where art thou?
Where are the boys?
The sky darkens with clouds.
Adam, is that you?
Where is Abel?
He is long caring for his flocks.
The sky is black and the rain hammers.
Are the ewes lambing
In this storm?

Why your troubled face, Adam?
Are you ill?
Why so pale, so agitated?
The wind will pass
The lambs will birth
With Abel’s help.

Dead?
What is dead?

Merciful God!

Hurry, bring warm water
I’ll bathe his wounds
Bring clean Clothes
Bring herbs.
I’ll heal him.

I am trying to understand.
You said, “Abel is dead.”
But I am skilled with herbs
Remember when he was seven
The fever? Remember how—

Herbs will not heal?
Dead?

And Cain? Where is Cain?
Listen to that thunder.

Cain cursed?
What has happened to him?
God said, “A fugitive and a vagabond?”

But God can’t do that.
They are my sons, too.
I gave them birth
In the valley of pain.

Adam, try to understand
In the valley of pain
I bore them
fugitive?
vagabond?

This is his home
This the soil he loved
Where he toiled for golden wheat
For tasseled corn.

To the hill country?
There are rocks in the hill country
Cain can’t work in the hill country
The nights are cold
Cold and lonely, and the wind gales.

Quick, we must find him
A basket of bread and his coat
I worry, thinking of him wandering
With no place to lay his head.
Cain cursed?
A wanderer, a roamer?
Who will bake his bread and mend his coat?

Abel, my son dead?
And Cain, my son, a fugitive
Two sons
Adam, we had two sons
Both – Oh, Adam –
multiply
sorrow

Dear God, Why?
Tell me again about the fruit
Why?
Please, tell me again
Why?

Week 6: Cherishing Your Spouse

Sacrifice for A Stronger Marriage

What sacrifices have I made for our marriage, and how has that sacrifice impacted your marriage? When I considered this question, the first thing that came to mind was moving across the country from Utah to Ohio. We made this move 4 weeks into our marriage. While it put us closer to his mother and siblings, it took me thousands of miles away from mine. It also meant I would be giving up on finishing my college education for the time being. 

The move was made in order to take advantage of an opportunity for better employment, so it may seem like this wouldn’t be that great of a sacrifice. It was, though. When we got to Ohio, my husband was the only person I knew, and there was pregnancy, culture shock, and climate shock to add to my discomfort. Being somewhat isolated from family was actually a great blessing to our marriage relationship because it allowed us to get to know each other better, learn to rely on each other, and learn to solve problems without interference from family. We learned to reach out to members of the ward and branch we have lived in for support and friendship. We have been blessed with a much larger “family” by being separated from the families we grew up in. We were also able to establish routines and traditions that worked for us that weren’t necessarily the same as what we grew up with.

Another major impact this sacrifice has had on our marriage is that we were able to fulfill our roles as parents in the way we wanted. We both felt it was important that I be able to stay home with our children, and this sacrifice made that possible. When circumstances made it necessary for me to bring in income, I was able to do it on a part-time basis, and only for as long as needed. 

I feel that the struggles we faced together early in our marriage created the foundation that has supported our marriage through the bumps and hurdles we face in the years since. After reading the Gottman chapters, I can definitely see where our marriage can be strengthened by updating our love map. I, myself, also have a lot of room for improvement on the “fondness and admiration” front. 

I tend to be critical and negative, rather than emphasizing the positive in others, especially my husband. Criticism lead to contempt. I know this. According to Gottman, though, the antidote to contempt is fondness and admiration.(pg 71) I enjoyed going through the exercises on building fondness and admiration, and we had decided to continue to do them. 

Thanks to the foundation that was built early on, it’s making improvements, not repairs. 

One final thing. I want to share a something from Goddard that really hit hard this week. 

 "Adam and Ever were to offer God their very best, the 'firstlings of their flocks.' I wonder what the firstlings of our flocks are. Is it our cherished free time that we must put upon the alter? Is it our love for sports, games, reading, shopping, clothes, or money that must be sacrificed?" (pg. 32)

Resources:

Goddard, H.Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Meridian Publishing

Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books
 

Week 5: Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage

Strong Friendship, Strong Marriage

One of the reflection questions from the lesson this week asks “What does Gottman mean by friendship, and exactly why is friendship so important in marriage?” According to Gottman, friendship means “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company these couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg.21)

As I considered the relationship my husband and I have, which I would label loving, supportive, and satisfying, I have to admit, I haven’t always seen it as the friendship that Gottman describes here. I have not always enjoyed my husband’s company. As a matter of fact, when we are at odds with each other, I don’t really want to be around him. There have been many times in our relationship where I haven’t liked him, and vice versa. I don’t know of many marriages where the partners can say they always like each other.

The one thing that I know has always been there in our marriage is that deep, abiding regard for each other, a regard that I think is distinctly different than any other relationship in our lives. In my opinion, this abiding regard, or friendship, is what carries a marriage relationship through the ebbs and flows that accompany it. It is the thing that allows us to look beyond the weaknesses and shortcomings, the selective memory loss, the physical changes that come with age and childbearing, and all the other I’m-only-human traits we carry. 

One of my shortcomings is that I can be very critical of people. My husband tells me it is a family trait on my side. As I was reading Gottman’s explanation about the difference between complaints and criticism, and how criticism lead to contempt, it hit very close to home. This has been one of the struggles of our relationship. However, we have progressed to a point where he can easily call me out on my critical attitude and help me back off. He is quick to let me know when I’m riding the line between being helpful or hurtful. I haven’t perfected it yet, but I am learning to think before I speak, and consider the consequences of my words.

I think one of the reasons why a friendship is such an important to a successful marriage relationship is because it is instrumental in helping us get past ourselves and becoming a “we” instead of a “you vs. me” relationship. In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Goddard talks about changing the questions we ask in our relationships. One of those questions is “Can I get God to help me get beyond myself in order to understand my spouse?” (pg. 25) I think the answer to this question is charity. When we are charitable, we put the needs of others before ourselves. We let go of pride, allowing humility to help us become selfless, rather than selfish. In the words of Paul to the Corinthians –

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

I’m going to set a goal for myself this week, and ask the Lords assistance in achieving it. For the next week, I am going to do my best to cut out the criticism. Complaints will be fine, as long as they are not couched in sarcasm and contempt. I will watch my tone, so that I am not putting others immediately on the defensive, and see what the results are. I’m going to focus towards my family, as they are the ones who feel the brunt of it. I look forward to seeing how things change by simply changing my approach.