Week 4: Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

Covenant Marriage or Contract Marriage?

Elder Bruce C. Hafen’s talk “Covenant Marriage” (Ensign, Nov 1996) really hit home with me this week. From personal experience, I know the truth of what he is speaking of concerning the difference between a contract marriage and a covenant marriage. (Yes, this is personal, but I won’t go TMI here, I promise.) 

Long story, short, is that my first engagement ended because my fiancé viewed our upcoming marriage as a “starter marriage”, and I did not. The level of commitment was definitely at contract level, not covenant. Not that this was going to be a temple marriage, to begin with, but even so, the attitude of making a strong commitment to me or the marriage was not there. As the weeks and months of our engagement progressed, I felt like a weight was pressing down harder and harder, until finally he did something that made me realize I needed to gather my courage and end the relationship. I did, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was also one of the best decisions I have ever made. 

When my husband and I were interviewing with the Stake President before we were sealed, he gave us the advice to always put our companion’s needs first. He said if we would do this, we would find ourselves in a strong and satisfying marriage. Elder Hafen’s statement that “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent” reminded me of that advice given by our Stake President. Putting our spouse first and being 100 percent committed to each other is the difference between being in a contract or a covenant. It is the difference between what I have now, a covenant marriage, and what I would have had if I had gone through with my first engagement, a contract marriage.

In my opinion, excessive individualism, is the “wolf” that is particularly detrimental to our society, especially in regards to marriage. The “me first” attitude that is so prevalent in our world today is completely opposite of the example the Savior set for us. It is one of the tools Satan is using to “make the sons and daughters of God confused and unhappy and halt their eternal progression.” ¹

The question I have to ask myself is what changes can I make to let go of the “me” that too frequently crops up in my marriage relationship? How can I, how can you, become more Christ-like in the relationships we have in our lives, marriage or otherwise?

1. Bednar, David A. (2006, June) Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan.  https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng

Week 3: Threats to Marriage

Do we, as Latter-day Saints, blow out of proportion the redefining of marriage? No, we don’t. I really like this quote from Elder Russel M. Nelson. I think it touches on a very important point about marriage.

“God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!” ¹

The Lord set the pattern for marriage, and that pattern was set for a very good reason – the creation of children, and thus, families. For myself, this is one of the greatest reasons we should have for opposing same-sex marriages. Children cannot be created in such unions. We understand that one of Satan’s greatest purposes is to undermine the Plan of Salvation. Marriage between man and woman, and the creation of children from those unions, is central to that plan. If Satan can get the world to accept same-sex unions, he is having some success.

I find it interesting that those assenting votes used family and children as one of the basis for their vote.

“A third basis for protecting the right to marry is that it safeguards children and families and thus draws meaning from related rights of childrearing, procreation, and education.”²(pg. 14)

Their viewpoint, that parents of the same gender are having as much success as parents of different genders in raising families, side-steps the fact that children cannot be created by same gender parents.

As the creator of all mankind, the Lord knows what is best for us. He knows that the ideal place to raise children is in a family that includes a loving mother and father who are committed to each other and their children. Life may throw circumstances at us that are less than ideal, but we should still strive to teach and live the pattern the Lord set. 

There is a quote from the U.S. Supreme Court Decision on Same-Sex Marriage that I thought showed and understanding of these divinely given principles. Chief Justice Roberts states:

“This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.”³

 I just want to share one other quote. It come from a statement put out in 1995,  by the First Presidency of the Church, entitled The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Paragraphs 7-10 say:

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed."

"We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."

"We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society." (4)

I think this pretty much sums up why we, as a nation, need to be concerned with the outcome of the Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage.

Sources: 

1. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-marriage/

2. http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf

3. 576 U. S. ____ (2015) ROBERTS, C. J., dissenting (pg. 4-5) http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf
4.  https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Week 2: Marriage Trends / Divorce

Personal Thoughts and Experiences

There was a lot to take in this week in the preparation study, but for me, the main message that I took from everything was that when individuals make choices about marital relationships that don’t follow the pattern the Lord has given, there are difficult consequences that arise. Some of those consequences are felt the hardest by those who have the least choice in the matter, the children. My heart broke for the children, and their parents, who were part of the “Divorce School for Kids” video. I think this video left the biggest impact on me because of personal experience that supports what was being said by the children in the video.  

 I have not been through divorce myself, and while my parents stayed married, my father was divorced before he met my mother. He had two children from that marriage who we did not spent a lot of time with because they lived with their mother. Unfortunately, we grew up seeing them as the “half-brothers”. Still today, when someone asks me how many kids were in my family, I will say “Five. Oh, wait. I mean seven. I have two older half-brothers.” 

As we’ve become adults, we’ve probably become the closest we’ve ever been. We don’t spend much time with each other, but we do stay in contact. From a few conversations I’ve had with one of my older brothers, I’ve learned there was, and probably still is, resentment towards my mother and the five of us children who were born into that marriage. Even though my father had been divorced from his first wife for quite a few years before he met and married my mother, they still had a hard time with her and never formed a good relationship with her. I’m sure they felt like the children mention in the video - that our father liked his second family more than his first. 

I don’t know what circumstances brought about that divorce, and I can’t judge my father for the decision he made. The consequences reached farther than he probably ever anticipated. It has in some way, affected all of his family, wives and children both. For myself, it set an example that determined the choices I made about marriage. 

My parent’s marriage was stable and was built on a gospel foundation. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but it did show me what I wanted for my own marriage. I can understand why we are counseled by our leaders to make every effort to save a marriage before we give up on it. 

One of my favorite quotes from the readings this week came from Elder Oaks' talk: 

“There were three parties to our marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could hang in there, we could hold it together.”

 I think it is important that we keep this perspective that the Lord is also part of our marriage. If we keep Him near in the decisions we make in our married lives, we can be assured that we will make the right choices for everyone involved, especially the children.

Something new I learned this week

Do you know what a transitional character is? I think the term gives something of a clue if you’ve never heard of this before, but in terms of family relationships is has significant meaning. Let me share this quote that describes what a transitional character is:

“A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute  the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” (p. 18)

- Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.    

Gives you something to ponder on, doesn’t it? Do you know anyone who fits this description? Are you a transitional character, or has your life been changed by one? I also really like this thought that came another article written by Broderick:

“…God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect, and exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to “purge” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain; after them the line flows clear and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed.”

Other favorite quotes from this lesson

“I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.”

“The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well.”

Dallin H. Oakes, “Divorce”, Ensign, May 2007