Week 2: Marriage Trends / Divorce

Personal Thoughts and Experiences

There was a lot to take in this week in the preparation study, but for me, the main message that I took from everything was that when individuals make choices about marital relationships that don’t follow the pattern the Lord has given, there are difficult consequences that arise. Some of those consequences are felt the hardest by those who have the least choice in the matter, the children. My heart broke for the children, and their parents, who were part of the “Divorce School for Kids” video. I think this video left the biggest impact on me because of personal experience that supports what was being said by the children in the video.  

 I have not been through divorce myself, and while my parents stayed married, my father was divorced before he met my mother. He had two children from that marriage who we did not spent a lot of time with because they lived with their mother. Unfortunately, we grew up seeing them as the “half-brothers”. Still today, when someone asks me how many kids were in my family, I will say “Five. Oh, wait. I mean seven. I have two older half-brothers.” 

As we’ve become adults, we’ve probably become the closest we’ve ever been. We don’t spend much time with each other, but we do stay in contact. From a few conversations I’ve had with one of my older brothers, I’ve learned there was, and probably still is, resentment towards my mother and the five of us children who were born into that marriage. Even though my father had been divorced from his first wife for quite a few years before he met and married my mother, they still had a hard time with her and never formed a good relationship with her. I’m sure they felt like the children mention in the video - that our father liked his second family more than his first. 

I don’t know what circumstances brought about that divorce, and I can’t judge my father for the decision he made. The consequences reached farther than he probably ever anticipated. It has in some way, affected all of his family, wives and children both. For myself, it set an example that determined the choices I made about marriage. 

My parent’s marriage was stable and was built on a gospel foundation. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but it did show me what I wanted for my own marriage. I can understand why we are counseled by our leaders to make every effort to save a marriage before we give up on it. 

One of my favorite quotes from the readings this week came from Elder Oaks' talk: 

“There were three parties to our marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could hang in there, we could hold it together.”

 I think it is important that we keep this perspective that the Lord is also part of our marriage. If we keep Him near in the decisions we make in our married lives, we can be assured that we will make the right choices for everyone involved, especially the children.

Something new I learned this week

Do you know what a transitional character is? I think the term gives something of a clue if you’ve never heard of this before, but in terms of family relationships is has significant meaning. Let me share this quote that describes what a transitional character is:

“A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute  the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” (p. 18)

- Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.    

Gives you something to ponder on, doesn’t it? Do you know anyone who fits this description? Are you a transitional character, or has your life been changed by one? I also really like this thought that came another article written by Broderick:

“…God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect, and exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to “purge” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain; after them the line flows clear and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed.”

Other favorite quotes from this lesson

“I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.”

“The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well.”

Dallin H. Oakes, “Divorce”, Ensign, May 2007